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Free Them!

May 24, 2006

It's a dreadful sight to behold: Orange Bear chomping off bear heads with reckless abandon.

"There can only be one," boasts Orange Bear, wiping away the crumbly remains from his furry face.

Trapped inside their cardboard cage, 17 other species await similarly gruesome fates. Sometimes, an animal is simply rent in two — the preferable alternative to having each leg bitten off in horrific succession.

Orange Bear's ravenous machinations don't stop with Barnum's venerable stable of bears, lions, tigers, gorillas, and elephants. Oh, no. He's put together a great and terrible wish list for his insatiable stomach:

5. The Hooded Seal: "The best noggin in the animal world."
4. The Duck-Billed Platypus: "Two animals in one!"
3. The Aye-Aye: "Aye-aye, Cap'n! Down the chute!"
2. The White-Crested Black Polish Rooster: "Tastes like chicken."
1. The Wooly Mammoth: "Prepare to go extinct…again!"

What's on your animal cracker wish list?

2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 18, 2006 4:00 pm

    An ultra-rare white buffalo animal cracker.

  2. September 18, 2006 7:46 pm

    Yes, Mr. Face, the white buffalo animal cracker could be marketed as part of a “Prairie Animals: Limited Edition” series along with the equally rare black-footed ferret.

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