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The Science of Pants

April 30, 2008

Mr. Crumpet recently needed a new pair of pants.  The old pants had become tattered, faded, forlorn, misshapen — they had lost their will to live.  (Perhaps if Mr. Crumpet hadn’t worn the same poor pair of pants every day…)

Now, Mr. Crumpet, still laboring under the Long-Unfinished Project, was not able to procure the new pants himself.  He needed help.  So he asked Milton Mole.

Ever dutiful, Milton Mole set out to get the pants but then realized, “I don’t wear pants. I know nothing of pants.”  So he went to Phil the Owl.

Phil the Owl thought for a moment and said to Milton, “I wear no pants, either, but I fancy those fancy pants that fight off stains and liquids with nanotechnology. That’s all I know about pants.”  So they went to Orange Bear.

Orange Bear said, “If I wore pants, which I clearly don’t, I would wear red-and-green plaid pants.  Those are very handsome.  But we don’t have money.” So they went to Mrs. Crumpet.

Mrs. Crumpet listened to their plans to purchase red-and-green plaid nano-pants. She laughed and said, “But you know Mr. Crumpet only wears black wool pants. And I can make them for him.”

The animals looked at each other, and Orange Bear finally said, “But we had such high hopes for the fancy pants.”

Then he whispered to Milton and Phil, “What does she know about pants?”

Mrs. Crumpet saw the disappointment on their faces, so she opened the little white purse with the gold clasps that she kept in a drawer and said, “Then you will buy me the red-and-green plaid nano-pants, and I will wear them in the garden.”

Thus, the animals were happy, Mrs. Crumpet had stain-resistant pants for gardening, and Mr. Crumpet eventually got a new pair of the same old pants.


7 Comments leave one →
  1. truce permalink
    May 12, 2008 8:16 pm

    This post really made me laugh. Not just because it was beautifully written – though it was – but because in England, where I’m from, ‘pants’ are ‘underpants’ not ‘trousers’.

    You try re-reading that post with a vision of a) nano stain resisting UNDERpants b) red-and-green-plaid UNDERpants and c) black wool UNDERpants


  2. May 13, 2008 9:24 pm

    Thanks for the compliments and visuals, although Mr. Crumpet will be horrified to hear that some people now may think he wears the same pair of underpants every day! Actually, Orange Bear can’t wait to tell him.

    So how was The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants received in the U.K.?

  3. June 18, 2008 7:34 pm

    Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Sweetbread.

  4. June 20, 2008 12:31 pm

    Hi! Thanks for dropping by and leaving a message!

  5. felineally permalink
    July 19, 2008 5:21 pm

    I somewhat agree with Sweetbread, but I think Mr. Crumpet secretly wants some Scottish kilt looking scotch-guarded pants himself–perhaps even Scotch taped to some snowskis for added adventure. In summary, maybe a quick jaunt to Edinburgh will cure those “same ol pants” blues.

  6. July 20, 2008 12:18 am

    Hmm, the secret’s out. Your image is rather vivid; have you seen this before? (It should be noted that Mr. Crumpet is capable only of skiing on a level plane. Anything steeper than that is a frightful mess. Actually, he’ll fall down regardless.)

  7. felineally permalink
    July 21, 2008 9:21 am

    I hear the inclines in Scotland are for the most part gentle slopes, so even those prostrate snow skiers will have little trouble there (the image is skis glued parallel to the human leg, more like a sled). The paradox is, these pants are fancy and new to Mr. Crumpet and his entourage, but classics in the old country. Further, what could so called Nanotechnology have over tried and true Scotch guard?

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